excuses

It is really weird to be pregnant but even more weird to be a SECRET pregnant person. Lots of women are all about telling everybody as soon as they find out, but me? I am not one of those people. I have so far sat through countless meetings, lunches with friends, dinner dates, and theatre gatherings with my in-laws, all the while thinking "Is there an appropriate time in this conversation for me to say --- when they inevitably ask me what's new -- something more than "nothing much!"?". I know I'm supposed to be bubbling over with joy and dying to tell everyone and their strangers about this new thing that's taken over pretty much every other waking moment of my life, but you know what? I realized the other day that I don't want to. 

These are my last remaining days of "normal". Of being just me. Not being me + also someone's mom, or "that pregnant person" you are welcome (so not welcome) to touch at your whim. 

In a few weeks I'll be through my first trimester, and probably busting out of every outfit my amazing colleagues have previously complemented me on. And then, I'm going to have to talk about it - my future baby, my future mom self (oh god), and everything else that comes along with it. I'll be more than just Robyn -- now I'll be Robyn-almost-mom-Robyn. 

And I really like being just me. I am an independent person that likes having my own identity. So I'm keeping it for a little bit longer. And doing a lot of lying about why I'm not drinking. Let's be real people -- this takes a lot of work. Things I'm glad about: I'm no longer the host of a monthly wine event. Bullet dodged.

And it's not that I don't want my identity to shift. It's not that at all. I'll still be me even after this new tiny person arrives. But it changes how people see you and sometimes their expectations. 

How do you completely change your life but also remain cool and independent and have your own life or personality? I guess time will tell but for now? I'm keeping this secret for as long as I can (which might be a matter of days...or weeks. Who knows how long my clothes will keep fitting!).

This line of thinking isn't over though...I expect I'll have more to say as the situation...expands (see my nice pun there? It was necessary).