so, the trash can sinatras were great. It was good to see them live after so many years of listening. It was S who turned me on to them - they were one of his favourites the entire time we were together, and were on constant rotation in the car, in his room, all over the place. He was there, too.
It was strange, seeing him again, after so many months (it's been almost a year, really, if you don't count the occasional 'hey' at soccer during the fall). He hasn't changed much, appearance wise. It's odd - a few weeks ago I was thinking about this upcoming show, wondering if he would be there and as hard as I tried, I couldn't visualize what he looked like. It's terrible to forget the faces of people who are important.
I suppose we could argue that he's not all that important, since we don't talk, since he is perturbed by my mere existence, but I can't help but care. While he may not like me, I can't profess to feel the same. To see him Friday night was nice. Awkward, perhaps, but nice.
When we arrived, he and R were sitting away from the bar, on one side of the club, and as much as I had prepared myself for seeing them both there, it still startled me. We went to go get drinks in order to avoid that side of the room, and then directly to the stage front. When the show started, they both moved forward too, so that they were standing in between me and the bar - there would be no stealthily sneaking by them to go get drinks, that's for sure.
So, on a round-trip to fetch new drinks for B and I, I stopped to say hello. I had wanted to all night, but the awkwardness of knowing that he despises me, coupled with the fact that we're all (including my new boyfriend) crammed into a rather intimate setting made me uneasy. After so long, and so much, it's hard to get up enough guts to start over. At least it is for me. But I swallowed my fear and took a first step. You never know what might come of it.
I wish I could go back and change things - the way I was after we split up, the things that caused him anguish, things that did the same for me, but it's too late now to staunch the wounds of the past - we can only move on.